This is going to be painfully honest

Hey Mi! It's U (if that isn't confusing, I don't know what is!)

I'm here to confirm what you are probably thinking right now: life can be really not fun sometimes. Things don't go our way, people treat us poorly, we are disappointed, or even things are just "blah." It is not wrong to admit that. You don't need to act like everything is fine and dandy when it's not. We've all been there. I personally have struggled in this area. I don't want anyone to see the chinks in my armor, or the places that I'm hurting. That's sensitive, and if they know, they could hurt me. I'm a bottler. I lock up my heart tight so no one can get in. I pull the curtains so no one can see the mess inside. It's safer that way. But then the muck builds up and things ferment and simmer, growing out of control like rising water from a busted pipe. But I can't recruit a plumber, because I'd have to open the door and I can't do that, not with this mess. From the outside, my heart may look like a perfect porcelain cottage, but what's the good in that if the inside is dark and dismal and full of hurt? The Lord has been teaching me to open the door. Let the water out, and let people in. It can be embarrassing. Other people seem like they have it together, so why don't I? Well, if we're honest, they don't. We all like our little neighborhood of pristine exteriors. I was struggling with this last summer, alone as usual, as I liked it. Then the Lord struck me with a verse that hurt. Matthew 23:27-28 says:
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. Even so you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness." (NKJV)

Ouch! My pretty outside was actually hypocrisy?!? But that was my struggle! I was just the victim trapped inside! Or was I? How much of this was I responsible for? Was it me who locked the door? How could keeping myself safe be a sin? I grappled with this. I was the victim of my story. I was weak and hurt and yet I was still doing all the right things and taking care of my own problems and being a good person! Oh. Oh, that. That was my pride. I was proud of being the innocent victim who didn't need help. I "had it handled." Getting help was for the weak. If no one else saw my problems, I was fine. Or so I thought. These things I was hiding were eating my heart out like mold and rot. My self-preservation was destroying me.  I was a wreck. I still am. But hey, at least I'm an honest wreck. I still struggle with this one. Good girls don't have problems, they have perfect grades, crowds of popular "good kid"friends, an immaculate room, fashionable wardrobe, a healthy relationship with a "good boy," an hour of devotions a day, and at least one to two other girls into whom they can pour their superior godly wisdom. No wonder I get discouraged and down! These expectations are ridiculous. If you ever meet someone that actually is accomplishing this without ever feeling worn out or discouraged, let me know. I want to be one of her mentees, cause I'm no where near that kind of perfect! I have dark days when I am sad for no reason. I have days when I skip devotions because I'm making worry and not looking stupid my idol. I have a whole lot of days when I feel unwanted and totally alone. But the door has been opened now, and God has been shining light on those things for what they are: lies! Disgusting, stinky, hateful, destructive lies from Satan. Period. There is no truth in them at all! Here's why:

"Preserve me, O God, for in You I put my trust.

O my soul, you have said to the Lord,

'You are my Lord,

My goodness is nothing apart from You.'

As for the saints who are on the earth,

They are the excellent ones, in 

whom is all my delight.

Their sorrows shall be multiplied who hasten after another god;

Their drink offerings of 

blood I will not offer,

Nor take up their names on my lips.

O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup;

You maintain my lot.

The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;

Yes, I have a good inheritance.

I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel;

My heart also instructs me in the night seasons.

I have set the Lord always before me;

Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices;

My flesh also will rest in hope.

For You will not leave my soul in Sheol,

Nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption.

11You will show me the 

path of life;

In Your presence is fullness of joy;

At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore."  Psalm 16 (NKJV)

(Yes, I know that was a lot, but it applies to pretty much everything I'm talking about. Bear with, okay?)

First of all, all of my goodness is nothing without God. I'm not perfect and I won't ever be. That's the way it is, and I can do nothing to make my goodness count. What a relief! My goodness is nothing and I am so very broken, and yet, God loves me. Secondly, I don't need to be sad! The God of the universe, awesome, holy, just, perfect, beautiful God is with me. Silly, sinful, broken me. He is so personal, He speaks to me in His Word. He preserves me through every moment so that I don't need to get tossed around on the emotional roller coaster that is life. I can rest in Him. In His presence there is fullness of joy. That means there is absolutely no lack. Move over pessimism, this cup of joy is all the way full! Thirdly, all those other things I put before God just bring more problems. Worry and stress never help, they only distract me from trusting the reality that God's got me. The God who knows everything is literally telling me what to do and protecting me while I do it. Why was I worried again? The portion in life that God gives me will always be exceedingly above anything I could ever hope to deserve because my portion is Himself. Also, I am never ever unwanted or alone. THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE IS LITERALLY WITH ME ALL THE TIME BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BE!!!! That's pretty freaking awesome! Finally, this Psalm makes a seemingly out of place comment about "the saints." What's that about? I thought we were talking about the whole "me and God" thing which is nice and private, how I like it. This statement is right after the psalmist decries his own goodness. Is this a coincidence? Nope! (It never is) We're all not so good. At all. But God intended us to find delight in each other. Oh, does that mean I have to (*gasp*) talk to people? Yep. Do I have to tell them I have issues? Yeppers. Just some of them though, right? All the issues. All of them? Uh huh. Me no likey! Too bad (pardon my wacky inner conversation). God made the church, not to function as individual cells who occasionally swap casseroles and endure each other's presence with fake smiles plastered on, but to function as a singular, close-knit unit. For a body to function, each individual cell must be in connection with the rest of the cells. Cells that seal themselves off die from lack of nutrients from the outside and build up of waste on the inside. That doesn't mean that I have to scream my struggles from the rooftops, but if I don't have at least one other person committed to walking with me through my struggles, I'm doing it wrong. 

Pardon this extremely long, preachy, rant of a post. Honestly, I've just been preaching to myself about everything that God has been teaching me in the past year. Hopefully some of it has encouraged you too. Let me leave you with one final thought. My Bible study group leader always likes to talk about how the cracks in our pot are the places that God's love can shine through the brightest. In 2Corinthians 4: 7-9, 16-18 it says, 

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels,  that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed…Therefore we 

do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is 

being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

All that this broken world can throw at us will eventually go away and only serves to bring us more eternal glory. No matter what our struggles, God is with us, deeply desiring to draw us closer to Himself. He loves us so much, and it's overwhelmingly awesome. I'm here for you kiddo! I want to be more open with you and I'm here for you too.

Love yah,

U